Monday, July 5, 2010

i quit being a player

Yesterday you made me realise what a player i am. I'm in my 4th relationship now...but i did not notice anything. You 'private chef' you made me realise something and i thank you for that.We use to be in love and you still are with me.But for me it just faded away. I fell for your jokes and your a fantastic flirt er.Things were heating up.Then i just broke up with u within few hours we coupled.You were sad. But you understand and continued being my friend.Yesterday you made it clear enough you still like me. I was just so speechless, afraid i was going to fall for you again for i am in love with RR. You made our chat so emotional yesterday.Pouring out your love and affection towards me.I could not respond.I just told you to move on.easy to say but hard to do..:( But I'm glad you said you will try.thanks...Then you when deeper.You asked 1 bloody question until now I'm seeking for the answer.You asked,' when we couple did you love me?' I was so horrified and it took me quite some time to answer. I said,' What if i' You said you will feel hurt if i said no.I asked why u needed to know all this now. You ended it by saying to keep the answers to myself and hope to be my friend. Pleaseee be my friend but i understand if your mad at me because you deserve too.I hurt you badly.You made me realise something.I just take your love for granted and said yes and gave you the hope but at the end i let you go when you wanted me more than anything.I will never forget you...whenever i see you i don't know whether we will smile for the same reason but our eyes will see each other the same way our hearts follow. thank you....:)

Tuesday, June 29, 2010


I just feel so mad now...i don't know how and where to show it.So i thought maybe if i blog about my anger it might help. I feel sooo angry ....but the thing is even i don't know why i am angry or maybe i know the reason but I'm just to ashamed to think that way. haih...I'm reading my history now.Hot tears keep rolling down my weird..i cant be crying bout our offence I'm reading about Islam.Nothing touchy about it.This is so not me..getting simply angry and frustrated for no reason.Feel like shouting my guts off.AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! People might just think I'm crazy...maybe i am. Goddd...what is happening to me.Why on earth I'm thinking like this...I feel like tearing my freaking heart apart. Feel so crushed and sad...I want ice cream.That can cool me down.It normally does when i get talking as though i have reached menopause. Now I'm calming myself down by listening to music while studying...and i feel i have this inner voice.Like I'm talking to myself...What the hell ??!!! I CANT TAKE IT......:(

Thursday, June 24, 2010

i give up

It has been 4 years i know you. We haven been through this before but til today i see no changes. So i just give up upon you. I have never meet anyone like you before. But i actually like for who you are- straight forward, caring and loving. But you just hurt people's feelings so deeply without even thinking before you open you mouth. So i gave you time to change although they were many bad talks behind you which i knew all about.So as i friend i did not want to hurt your feelings instead i came all those bad talks into a tank which is my heart.Sooner or later the tank will burst.Guess what, it that point my anger was off hands that i could not think what was right and wrong so i saw you online and scolded me in a very nice way but you only replied as sarcasms.I was soooo pist off.Then when school reopen we did not talk because i hated looking at you.You really let me down was the thing that kept flashing into my mind when i looked at you. You did not even bother to say anything to any of us instead you ignored us.So yesterday when i saw you chatting with one of our gang i was in the mood to talk already la. Then when i find out why you were ignoring us i got even more pist off because it was not relevant at all.The only thing that i could solve it was confront you.So I spoke to you in private.Your reasons was soooo stupid.It was so unreasonable....according to you, you think the way i scold you was wrong because through facebook???!! my dear i was filled with anger i saw you online so i just burst out.I cant be thinking what is right and wrong...i cant control my anger. Don't think I'm always laughing and smiling i don't have anger issues.Then you said you cant change not even reduce or control it but we have to adjust to your attitude...What the hell????!!!! we have been adjusting with your attitude for 4 years ...why cant you do the same thing???!! When we were doing the were crying.I did not even bother crying cause its just a waste of time.My heart was boiling with anger....I did not even feel like looking at you.Then it was getting late and we had to go...we did not even conclude anything.The talk was just a waste of time.First time in life....i actually don't bother concluding a fight. I just gave up...i don't care....

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

after so long

I really like this feeling. Knowing you will be there for me. After my first love, i just found that i can fall in love again. I really like u RR. I know im still young and i cant afford using the word 'love'.But you make me complete. Knowing everyday i will be hearing your voice through our small conversations through our calls makes me happy. I never felt like this for a really long time.All i could say is thank you.I never knew we would end up together. Never knew all things are happening so fast. Al though it has only been a month we are together yet i feel i have been with you forever. Hmmmm....I know i can never predict our future.So i dont know when will this end.For now im going to enjoy every moment with you...kk...gtg..RR is on the phone. :)

Monday, May 31, 2010

ponteng for a useless reason

All teenagers skip school. Either to stay at home dragged by their laziness or to hang out with their friends somewhere just to have pleasure. Well i did ponteng today with my friend Mei mei.But i did it for her because she was just too chicken to do her spot talk.Spot talk is something when you will be picked randomly to give a talk on a certain topic during the monday morning assemble.So this week was my class turn and my beloved friend had the high possibilities that they would pick her.I don't care going up and doing it.Common someday we need to go out there publicly.Somehow.So it was Monday.The master plan was plan the night before through our phone calls.We met at setiawangsa station but i was surprised to see her senior friend was there, plus she was a prefect.Afraid the plan will fail.But thank god mei mei had the guts to tell her the real story and it was humiliating telling it to her.After all its just a spot talk.Once we reached dang wangi station which was around 7.05 it was still early.So we chilled at the platform thinking that no disturbance would occur but we were horrified with the presence of policemen.It was so scary because we know we are playing truant and the cops were there.We had to slowly wake up and walk off.Our next spot was the toilet.For we decided to change to our pj attire because we will be entering school during our pj lesson. We were hanging out there for awhile.It was spooky too because many people were using the toilet.Then we decided to start our journey after getting some snacks in newplus.We purposely walk really really slow and find the longest ways to go to school just to pass time for we were quite early, knowing that Monday assembles are always long.We were having our morning walk while munching our food.As we came nearer to our school gate, mei mei saw a prefect waiting for the late comers.We immediately hide behind a wall. Avoiding getting any offences.After quite some time, we went to the primary school and waiting for the assemble to end.Suddenly not knowing the guard was staring at us.It was so horrifying.Sudden chills rush into our bodies. We quickly sneaked out and went back to our school.I know the guard was still watching us.Knowing the cost was clear , we went to our class.But going to the class was not an easy thing to do.We had to hide from all the teachers and hiding near the classes.It was not an easy job i could say.The funniest thing is one of the teachers saw us and thank god she knows the story and she was laughing at us.Lastly we entered the a relief!!!!! We felt soooo exhausted.It was not an easy thing to do.Trust me. I felt so lame...tired...frustrated..grumbling..mumbling...all just for a SPOT TALK.I just did it for a friend and i learnt my lesson.Never to do it again.It'll be the one an only memory in my head of me skipping school.There were 13 absentees in class.....The simple thing that we could have done was just stay at home and quit playing James Bond.How stupid......

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

i feel like a bitch

I use to log for a guy's know the feeling of being loved. But now im in it and im confused because im in deep shit. Maybe i should be more careful with my wishes in future. Well..this is it. 2 guys like me. so to make the the story much easier...the first guy who asked me will be guy A and the second guy who asked me is guy B....Guy A knows me through my friend's friend. He added me in facebook and we were chatting and stuff.One day, he said he likes me but i was like stunned because i dont know him inperson so i was afraid to say yes yet i said i need time to know him then i will tell him how. So he comes online to chat with me and ya we would make things complicated between us. I was in a situation where i did not know to whether to say yes or not.His a nice guy from one of the top schools. He was perfect but my heart just did not want to say anything but just talk to him.Then here comes guy B....i know him since i was small.We go to sunday school since small.hmmmm...and his kinda like my relation because i met his mom in one of my family reunions.But we are farly ya. Plus his brother and my brothers are like close friends.Me n guy B got fond with each other since form 2 or 3...not sure. We use to tease each other and get ourself in trouble during sunday school.Yes...i admit i have a tiny winnie feelings for him but common everyone has few crushes here and there. I did not make a great deal out of it. Yesterday while i was online, his best friend came and chat with me.We were talking bout him and guy teasing him and stuff. All of a sudden he told me that guy B was sitting next to him.His friends started asking personal questions whether i was single and etc. I knew guy B was asking me all this through his friends. I told him I knew it. Then , guy B chatted with me, he said he loves me very much and his friend told me he keeps talking bout me. I was in a state of shock that i even ask whether it was the right person i was chatting to.At that point, i just said i like him too.He was on top of the world, i could know it by his words. Everything was happening so fast..I could not sleep at night and the feeling was great but i know, im not going to take things very serious...going with the flow.Now what should i say to guy A...he still thinks im available...i feel like a bitch..but i can't control my feelings. Guy A will you understand me? I know you told that if i dont like we still can stay as friends and there will be no differences. HELL No...yes there will be afraid of hurting you. im confused....when i see you online im gonna just say that im sorry...wish me luck...:(

Saturday, April 24, 2010

im hurt

I never though i would be in this position again.Curled up in the corner of my room,covered in my blanket and talking to someone to calm my feelings down. After my last love i thought i was in love again but i was mistaken.This was more hurtful. I never use to word love for you...i just liked you.Being with you made me feel so happy and relieved.When u hug me i felt your warm arms around me.I felt safe and did not want to let go off you.Maybe i was just fantasying you too much.You gave me the first experience every girl thinks its special to them.As i said...its just an experience.I did not know you would hurt me in such away that i actually think you cant afford such words.That's how much i think of you....then i had to turn down offers,awaiting for your declare.I was just learning the art of love. Hearing about you from your friend just crushed me into pieces.That word your said to him about me is just so painful. I was so angry with you that i felt like crying but i could not cause i had no tears to cry for you.I felt like shouting but i could not. Maybe I'm sick and tired of crying for you guys.I know you for 4 years, i know what type of person you are but i let you in,thinking miracles could happen but now i know its hard to change you. I don't know who to trust.Maybe your friend is lying, no one knows.I just want to speak to you, pour out what i feel,my anger, my sadness, my feelings and just hear your explanation from your own mouth.Make you feel guilty for your actions.Your such a fool of a took.But you never take things seriously.I woke up this morning feeling so happy and thinking I'm not stupid.I started laughing. There is nothing i can do now but just get over you.I never regret doing it to you.You gave me an experience that made me fell in love with you.Yesterday i was full with anger that if i had the chance to meet you i would just kill you.But today, when if i look at you, I'm just going to smile and say,' as ta la vista...i had a good time but I'm not cant control me.'Scolding you and advising you is such a waste of time.I'm just going to do my part and move on for i never regret my past.My past helps me in future.So you, your my past. Thanks for everything.....