i quit being a player

Yesterday you made me realise what a player i am. I'm in my 4th relationship now...but i did not notice anything. You 'private chef' you made me realise something and i thank you for that.We use to be in love and you still are with me.But for me it just faded away. I fell for your jokes and your a fantastic flirt er.Things were heating up.Then i just broke up with u within few hours we coupled.You were sad. But you understand and continued being my friend.Yesterday you made it clear enough you still like me. I was just so speechless, afraid i was going to fall for you again for i am in love with RR. You made our chat so emotional yesterday.Pouring out your love and affection towards me.I could not respond.I just told you to move on.easy to say but hard to do..:( But I'm glad you said you will try.thanks...Then you when deeper.You asked 1 bloody question until now I'm seeking for the answer.You asked,' when we couple did you love me?' I was so horrified and it took me quite some time to answer. I said,' What if i said...no?' You said you will feel hurt if i said no.I asked why u needed to know all this now. You ended it by saying to keep the answers to myself and hope to be my friend. Pleaseee be my friend but i understand if your mad at me because you deserve too.I hurt you badly.You made me realise something.I just take your love for granted and said yes and gave you the hope but at the end i let you go when you wanted me more than anything.I will never forget you...whenever i see you i don't know whether we will smile for the same reason but our eyes will see each other the same way our hearts follow. thank you....:)

arrgghhhhh....

I just feel so mad now...i don't know how and where to show it.So i thought maybe if i blog about my anger it might help. I feel sooo angry ....but the thing is even i don't know why i am angry or maybe i know the reason but I'm just to ashamed to think that way. haih...I'm reading my history now.Hot tears keep rolling down my face...so weird..i cant be crying bout our history...no offence I'm reading about Islam.Nothing touchy about it.This is so not me..getting simply angry and frustrated for no reason.Feel like shouting my guts off.AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! People might just think I'm crazy...maybe i am. Goddd...what is happening to me.Why on earth I'm thinking like this...I feel like tearing my freaking heart apart. Feel so crushed and sad...I want ice cream.That can cool me down.It normally does when i get depressed.Geee...im talking as though i have reached menopause. Now I'm calming myself down by listening to music while studying...and i feel i have this inner voice.Like I'm talking to myself...What the hell ??!!! I CANT TAKE IT......:(

i give up

It has been 4 years i know you. We haven been through this before but til today i see no changes. So i just give up upon you. I have never meet anyone like you before. But i actually like for who you are- straight forward, caring and loving. But you just hurt people's feelings so deeply without even thinking before you open you mouth. So i gave you time to change although they were many bad talks behind you which i knew all about.So as i friend i did not want to hurt your feelings instead i came all those bad talks into a tank which is my heart.Sooner or later the tank will burst.Guess what, it did...at that point my anger was off hands that i could not think what was right and wrong so i saw you online and scolded you...trust me in a very nice way but you only replied as sarcasms.I was soooo pist off.Then when school reopen we did not talk because i hated looking at you.You really let me down was the thing that kept flashing into my mind when i looked at you. You did not even bother to say anything to any of us instead you ignored us.So yesterday when i saw you chatting with one of our gang i was like..so in the mood to talk already la. Then when i find out why you were ignoring us i got even more pist off because it was not relevant at all.The only thing that i could solve it was confront you.So I spoke to you in private.Your reasons was soooo stupid.It was so unreasonable....according to you, you think the way i scold you was wrong because through facebook???!! my dear i was filled with anger i saw you online so i just burst out.I cant be thinking what is right and wrong...i cant control my anger. Don't think I'm always laughing and smiling i don't have anger issues.Then you said you cant change not even reduce or control it but we have to adjust to your attitude...What the hell????!!!! we have been adjusting with your attitude for 4 years ...why cant you do the same thing???!! When we were doing the talk...you were crying.I did not even bother crying cause its just a waste of time.My heart was boiling with anger....I did not even feel like looking at you.Then it was getting late and we had to go...we did not even conclude anything.The talk was just a waste of time.First time in life....i actually don't bother concluding a fight. I just gave up...i don't care....

after so long

I really like this feeling. Knowing you will be there for me. After my first love, i just found that i can fall in love again. I really like u RR. I know im still young and i cant afford using the word 'love'.But you make me complete. Knowing everyday i will be hearing your voice through our small conversations through our calls makes me happy. I never felt like this for a really long time.All i could say is thank you.I never knew we would end up together. Never knew all things are happening so fast. Al though it has only been a month we are together yet i feel i have been with you forever. Hmmmm....I know i can never predict our future.So i dont know when will this end.For now im going to enjoy every moment with you...kk...gtg..RR is on the phone. :)

ponteng for a useless reason

All teenagers skip school. Either to stay at home dragged by their laziness or to hang out with their friends somewhere just to have pleasure. Well i did ponteng today with my friend Mei mei.But i did it for her because she was just too chicken to do her spot talk.Spot talk is something when you will be picked randomly to give a talk on a certain topic during the monday morning assemble.So this week was my class turn and my beloved friend had the high possibilities that they would pick her.I don't care going up and doing it.Common someday we need to go out there publicly.Somehow.So it was Monday.The master plan was plan the night before through our phone calls.We met at setiawangsa station but i was surprised to see her senior friend was there, plus she was a prefect.Afraid the plan will fail.But thank god mei mei had the guts to tell her the real story and it was humiliating telling it to her.After all its just a spot talk.Once we reached dang wangi station which was around 7.05 it was still early.So we chilled at the platform thinking that no disturbance would occur but we were horrified with the presence of policemen.It was so scary because we know we are playing truant and the cops were there.We had to slowly wake up and walk off.Our next spot was the toilet.For we decided to change to our pj attire because we will be entering school during our pj lesson. We were hanging out there for awhile.It was spooky too because many people were using the toilet.Then we decided to start our journey after getting some snacks in newplus.We purposely walk really really slow and find the longest ways to go to school just to pass time for we were quite early, knowing that Monday assembles are always long.We were having our morning walk while munching our food.As we came nearer to our school gate, mei mei saw a prefect waiting for the late comers.We immediately hide behind a wall. Avoiding getting any offences.After quite some time, we went to the primary school and waiting for the assemble to end.Suddenly not knowing the guard was staring at us.It was so horrifying.Sudden chills rush into our bodies. We quickly sneaked out and went back to our school.I know the guard was still watching us.Knowing the cost was clear , we went to our class.But going to the class was not an easy thing to do.We had to hide from all the teachers and hiding near the classes.It was not an easy job i could say.The funniest thing is one of the teachers saw us and thank god she knows the story and she was laughing at us.Lastly we entered the class.....wow...what a relief!!!!! We felt soooo exhausted.It was not an easy thing to do.Trust me. I felt so lame...tired...frustrated..grumbling..mumbling...all just for a SPOT TALK.I just did it for a friend and i learnt my lesson.Never to do it again.It'll be the one an only memory in my head of me skipping school.There were 13 absentees in class.....The simple thing that we could have done was just stay at home and quit playing James Bond.How stupid......

i feel like a bitch

I use to log for a guy's love...to know the feeling of being loved. But now im in it and im confused because im in deep shit. Maybe i should be more careful with my wishes in future. Well..this is it. 2 guys like me. so to make the the story much easier...the first guy who asked me will be guy A and the second guy who asked me is guy B....Guy A knows me through my friend's friend. He added me in facebook and we were chatting and stuff.One day, he said he likes me but i was like stunned because i dont know him inperson so i was afraid to say yes yet i said i need time to know him then i will tell him how. So he comes online to chat with me and ya we would make things complicated between us. I was in a situation where i did not know to whether to say yes or not.His a nice guy from one of the top schools. He was perfect but my heart just did not want to say anything but just talk to him.Then here comes guy B....i know him since i was small.We go to sunday school since small.hmmmm...and his kinda like my relation because i met his mom in one of my family reunions.But we are farly related...so ya. Plus his brother and my brothers are like close friends.Me n guy B got fond with each other since form 2 or 3...not sure. We use to tease each other and get ourself in trouble during sunday school.Yes...i admit i have a tiny winnie feelings for him but common everyone has few crushes here and there. I did not make a great deal out of it. Yesterday while i was online, his best friend came and chat with me.We were talking bout him and guy B...like teasing him and stuff. All of a sudden he told me that guy B was sitting next to him.His friends started asking personal questions whether i was single and etc. I knew guy B was asking me all this through his friends. I told him I knew it. Then , guy B chatted with me, he said he loves me very much and his friend told me he keeps talking bout me. I was in a state of shock that i even ask whether it was the right person i was chatting to.At that point, i just said i like him too.He was on top of the world, i could know it by his words. Everything was happening so fast..I could not sleep at night and the feeling was great but i know, im not going to take things very serious...going with the flow.Now what should i say to guy A...he still thinks im available...i feel like a bitch..but i can't control my feelings. Guy A will you understand me? I know you told that if i dont like we still can stay as friends and there will be no differences. HELL No...yes there will be differences...im afraid of hurting you. im confused....when i see you online im gonna just say that im sorry...wish me luck...:(

im hurt

I never though i would be in this position again.Curled up in the corner of my room,covered in my blanket and talking to someone to calm my feelings down. After my last love i thought i was in love again but i was mistaken.This was more hurtful. I never use to word love for you...i just liked you.Being with you made me feel so happy and relieved.When u hug me i felt your warm arms around me.I felt safe and did not want to let go off you.Maybe i was just fantasying you too much.You gave me the first experience every girl thinks its special to them.As i said...its just an experience.I did not know you would hurt me in such away that i actually think you cant afford such words.That's how much i think of you....then i had to turn down offers,awaiting for your declare.I was just learning the art of love. Hearing about you from your friend just crushed me into pieces.That word your said to him about me is just so painful. I was so angry with you that i felt like crying but i could not cause i had no tears to cry for you.I felt like shouting but i could not. Maybe I'm sick and tired of crying for you guys.I know you for 4 years, i know what type of person you are but i let you in,thinking miracles could happen but now i know its hard to change you. I don't know who to trust.Maybe your friend is lying, no one knows.I just want to speak to you, pour out what i feel,my anger, my sadness, my feelings and just hear your explanation from your own mouth.Make you feel guilty for your actions.Your such a fool of a took.But you never take things seriously.I woke up this morning feeling so happy and thinking I'm not stupid.I started laughing. There is nothing i can do now but just get over you.I never regret doing it to you.You gave me an experience that made me fell in love with you.Yesterday i was full with anger that if i had the chance to meet you i would just kill you.But today, when if i look at you, I'm just going to smile and say,' as ta la vista...i had a good time but I'm not cheap..you cant control me.'Scolding you and advising you is such a waste of time.I'm just going to do my part and move on for i never regret my past.My past helps me in future.So you, your my past. Thanks for everything.....

i dont know whether i love you

It has been a very long time since I've loved someone. That i even forget the feeling of falling in love. I had crushes here and there, but being a player, accepting and declining was the main purpose. First you approve but sooner or later the love fades away you reject him.But now after the certain incident i couldn't forget him. He makes my heart beat so fast.He makes me laugh.He makes me want to fight with him over small things. He makes me do things i couldn't bare doing it in thousand years time. He makes me feel...feel...in love. I don't know whether it will stay for long for my love for someone fades away fast. He likes me...i think. I like him...i think. But we don't show it publicly but among us sparks ignite.Felt like pouring me feelings to him but if i do that i don't think it will last long. Playing a fool with him now is better than being in a serious relationship where commitments are needed.I cant afford that.For my feelings a wild and wonders around. You make things complicating...for every time you make me feel that you need me but you don't do anything about it. Well i understand for i am doing the same to you. Maybe we like the fooling around because we are deeply hurt or been hurt before. I cant imagine saying that i love you for i know i have no rights to say such strong words in such a young age. For i know now...i just like fooling around with you .

will miss it for sure

Weeks of practicing , now I'm feel of boredom. Ldds drama I'm missing you. When i first saw you i felt i made a mistake but now i will never regret it.It was my first experience.Acting is my passion where i cannot play my own life role but imitate someone else and speak as an actress.I'm not me in the role. The laughter we had during practices.Not to mention the fights we were in.Ldds was filled with dramatic exposures. It was fun working with the rest.New characters and people i met all from different backgrounds which brought us along. The sweat and time we put in was precious. Last minute changes that brought us doubts.On the day of act, everything paid off well. The audience filled the hall with laughter and clasps then made us stand strong.We did not one this to be our last play so we worked hard to prove that this tradition will be carried in future.So it will be in years. People trespassing cheered us and gave us word of courage.A memory that will last forever. I will miss it for sure.....

Just walk away

I still remember every moment we were together.Like a fantasy.So call true love at that moment.It has already been a year.Still i cherish it because your the first guy who made me cry.I thought i had everything..a perfect guy..to share my laughter.Now your laughing in the hands of a another woman. I still remember how you proposed...you made my heart stop.You asked to couple i said no..we will wait.Now i regret it. We had a whole month with our sweet talk.I still remember calling you darling and you refer me as sweetheart.Then the day came when you told you had problems with yourself.Too scared you would hurt me that you said we cant be together anymore.That words made my fantasy stop and made me realize that this is life.I let you go.....
We did not talk for months...then few months later you messaged me.I was happy thinking you wanted me back but no....You said you have split personality and you needed my help because you had another girl that you did not want to hurt her too.But darling...why dint you leave her like you did to me??Too many questions in my head that i ignored and continued helping you to find your way.For you said that i was the only one to cure your problem.I did not help you but i helped that girl.I did not want that girl to experience what i felt.Now i feel i have been so good to people that they do not even care how i feel. You only spoke to me when you needed help.You were begging me but not hard enough because you know i will help.You know me well...When your problem was solved you did not care to say thanks. When u broke my heart...when you were the one who gave me that heart you did not dare to say sorry. Yes you did after few months of ignorance. Your an animal with brains but not with a heart...that's for sure. Now you speak to me like a simple stranger.I use to love talking to you, now i hate seeing your face and shadow. Today when you saw me the first thing you said was " you still alive??". I did the most courageous thing i have never done in my life, i just walked away. I have no interest in talking to a beast. That's what I'm going to do in future...I'm just going to walk away from you like you walk away from my heart.

days without you....

In this post I'm going to sound a bit proud.You know why?? Because my friends cant leave without me.Here's the story,I did not go to school for 2 days cause i was not feeling well,high fever. As soon as their back home from school, my hand phone will be ringing..calls n smses.I'm so lucky i have them.Eventually i wont pick up because i would be sleeping after taking the drugs.Our conversation will be like a mixture.1 minute being so nice to me and the other minute scolding me for not coming because they just miss me. I will just hear their voices, a smile on my cheek.For i know i have caring friends. Based on their stories in school when I'm not there, its so miserable. They sound so pathetic.All of them faces bad luck when I'm not there.Of course I'm not happy for that but the satisfaction i think. I do not even know why I'm blogging about this.I felt like sharing it. My friends are full with drama, new stories and new gossips.So fun being with them...being emo is not in the list.Full with laughter i could say.Each memory i have with them,i cherish the most. I only have 2 more years to have this laughter with my beloved friends.Then i do not know whether i will still have friends calling me when I'm sick or sad.

SCOLDING DAY

I do not know how to express it but its something like stress but its not. I just feel like I'm sitting in a corner thinking what is going to happen in future, will it always be like this?? Cant bare it! gonna explode! Today in school, full day scolding and each of the subject all got homework and must hand in tomorrow. I have school then i have to stay back then finish homework..by the time i finish my homework it be dusk. So hectic...I'm exhausted with this new experience.To new to bare in fast. Basically i was like a chatterbox today, sitting and complaining about each and everything to myself like a mumbler. Mei mei sits beside me and she was wondering why was i acting so emo today. Even she admitted it was stressful and she stated that she likes stress.Whenever I'm mumbling like a desperate crazy woman,all she do is laugh.Felt like punching her face.I was too exhausted that whenever she spoke i told her to shut up because she will only increase my tension that i might just punch her seriously. The scoldings started of from add maths then lead on to biology.I was sick and tired of them scolding....bla bla ...u ah...u ah...it was like a tape recorder in my head. I felt so angry that when i came out from lab I did not wait for mei mei just kept walking and seeing the floor, then i saw my add maths teacher and pour out my anger to her . I did not know where the hell that courage came from but guess what she also was laughing.WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE???!! do i look like a clown??!!! I'm pouring out my anger and they end up laughing at me...what a day..Conclusion is when I'm angry i will keep on talking and mumbling and thinking about emotional things..i do not easily get mad but when I'm mad ..i just lose my head.

i forgive u

where do i begin?? Have you ever been disappointed with a friend you trust? well it happen to me recently. I have this friend, really really close to her. Our friendship is so special because our character and personality are almost alike.But there are few differences. Not many people like her character because she is known as the bitchy mouth but other than that she's a good friend. Well this friend of mine loves my best friend which is a guy. But cut short this love story is just a 1 way ticket. Unrequited love.She loves the guy. No feed backs from the guy.But they fight really commonly.So here comes the part that disappoints me.This girl went and told this another girl that my guy friend called her irritating.This another girl and my guy friend is also close friends. The thing is my guy friend never in his life called her irritating.So she made up the story cause she was being envious.So when this another girl knew about it she immediately text ed my guy friend. My guy friend was so angry because he did not do anything that he text ed my friend and scolded her like hell.I did not know anything about this until my guy friend told me. So the following day, i went to school and asked my friend. Here's the dialog that made my heart shattered into pieces :

me : weh, what did you say?
she : ( laughs ) oh..i told her that he said she's irritating.
me : But did he say that for real ?
she : ( laughs ) dunno la...( laughs )
my hand almost wanted to slap her at this moment
me : so...you just made up stories???
she : ya...i think. That's why i did not reply him. ( laughs )she was being so cool about it.
At that moment, i felt it was a sin looking at her face. I actually backed her up the day before when my guy friend was telling me the incident. I felt i betrayed him and instead i helped her.I knew him more than this girl. I felt like i was the bitch here. So when i came back home i immediately text ed him and said how sorry i was. I was very thankful to see the reply. He said it was not a big deal that he understands for all my actions.That i always do the right thing.I'm so glad that he understands me and his my friend.I even told him that i would never forgive her because she behave like a typical girl who will just do anything for a guy. But after listening to his advise, i realised. For now, I'm just going to chill.This girl is my friend.I will not back stab her.If she does anything wrong or stupid, as a friend i must advise her not run away from the problem.I'm just going with the flow now. Just being relax and not taking things very seriously.This is life. I love you guys....